Don't Wait Until...

I had an epiphany last week. I have been doing exactly what I tell my patients and readers not to do. I think  it has been a 'perfect storm' scenario that started it. We went to California for a week, across 3 time zones, which threw my internal clock off. I lost my job, daylight savings time started, and this headache returned.  For the past 5-6 weeks, I have had an almost constant headache, and greater fatigue than I usually have had. I have been able to continue to take care of most of my business, job hunting, writing this blog, etc, but my use of time has been less than efficient. I procrastinate, playing games on my phone, and looking things up on my computer. I am frustrated, unfocused. I am waiting until I feel better, until the fatigue goes away, until things get back to normal, and I can get on with my life.
WHAT??!!?? Wait a minute. This IS my life. This IS my normal (or a variant of it). If I am waiting to get back to that other normal, the one I used to have way back when, I am waiting in vain. I know this. I warn other people about this, and yet, I fell into it myself. Don't put off living your life, waiting until you feel better, or a particular event occurs. It may not occur, or even if it does, you may miss out on some wonderful opportunities while you were waiting. Live your life now, the best you can, with what you've got.
For the past 25 years, I have consistently had various types and levels of pain in various body parts. I describe it as being a member of the 'Pain of the Month' Club.I never know where I will hurt next, but when it shows up, it likes to stay for a month or two or ten. The fatigue I have only had for about ten years, at varying levels. The fact that this current pain is in my head compounds the cognitive problems that the fatigue causes, but it isn't anything new or unusual, just a variant.
Okay, so I realize that this is my life, no use waiting for it to get better (it might, or it might not, it might get worse). Now what? I need to get motivated, and to resist procrastinating. So easy to say, not so easy to do.
Having a routine and a schedule make the biggest difference. They both get me up and moving. One 'rule' I am instituting is using the morning time for me: exercise, grocery shopping, etc, and the afternoons for business: writing, job related pursuits, art, etc. I plan to not only have an ongoing to-do list, but pick out certain items from the list and what time I will do them. I will get up off of the couch more often, because sitting makes me sleepy, and sleepy plus fatigue makes me feel worse. I can set small goals for each day.
I will be am an active participant in my life. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some tasks to take care of.    

Finding Your Productivity Capacity

Everyone is different in their endurance and capacity for productive activity. This weekend I have been working on cleaning up a path that I made several years ago on our cabin property. I have been pulling weeds, scooting along the path on my butt to try to squash those I don’t pull. I did about 3/5ths of the path yesterday, so logic would say that I should be able to finish the job easily today.


However, it is hotter and more humid today (I feel like a nauseated wet noodle when I get too hot). Part of the path that is left to clean up is in the sun, so not only would it make me sick, the weeds are thicker and hardier in that section, so are harder to pull. On top of that, my right arm feels sore, the same arm that had tendonitis for 7 months, until a shot of Depomedrol cleared it up 2 months ago. Actually, all of me is a little sore, but miraculously less than I would have expected after the work I did yesterday. (I am not sure how to go about counting how many howevers this is.)

While I am doing the path, my husband is digging a drainage ditch and shoveling and relocating 10 tons of stone. Compared to what he is doing, I am having a picnic. One big difference in our capacities is that while he gets sore and recovers, my body doesn’t recover as readily. I tend to get tendonitis and other soft tissue damage from seemingly minor injuries, and it takes months of therapy, meds, ice and injections to get rid of it.

I decided to work on the part of the path not in the sun, where I would be cooler, and the weeds are weaker and easier to pull. The rest I would leave until another time. Watching my husband continue to work, it would be easy for me to feel guilty, like I am not doing my fair share, but I don’t. I know that if I continued to do more physical work today, I would pay for it for months to come. I know that I have worked to my capacity, and that is enough.

I know there are many people whose capacity is decreased like mine, and others whose capacity is extremely limited. If this is your situation, how do you come to accept that what you do is sufficient? Take inventory of what you can and cannot do. This can be difficult, because there are many factors that may affect your ability each day, including weather, how well you slept, what you did yesterday, etc. How much does it cost you to do more than your capacity? Are you out of commission for a day? A week? How much is too much to pay for what you want to do? There may be some things that are worth it to you to push yourself past your capacity, but most things are not worth it.

One area of difficulty for a lot of people is appearance. What will others think? Will they think I am lazy? If ‘they’ are strangers, it is none of their business, why should you care what they think? If ‘they’ are friends and family, you can try to explain this to them. Some people will understand, others will not, no matter how many times and how many ways you explain it. It is up to you how much you let it bother you. You can’t change other people, but you can change how you respond to them. You are the only one who really knows what it is like living in your skin. You are the only valid judge of your capacity. That said, you may be selling yourself short because of fear of pushing too far. Try experimenting a little. You may be able to increase your capacity by tiny increments.

Remember that you don’t have to be physically active to be productive. There are many activities that are productive that are easy on the body. Writing this blog is productive, as is writing anything that transmits information or ideas. Rocking a baby to sleep or reading to a young child is productive. Calling a sick friend or listening to a loved one is productive. Any time spent learning or teaching is productive. There are likely many things you do in a day for which you don’t give yourself credit.