Happiness: Four Keys

I have written a few times about happiness, mainly expressing my belief that happiness comes from being at peace with life.I don't understand the pursuit of happiness itself, because happiness doesn't exist by itself, in a bubble. This past Sunday, there was an article in our local paper, The Akron Beacon Journal, about whether married people were happier than single/divorced/widowed people.I don't recall the conclusion, because I got distracted by the sidebar, the content of which is below.
According to Kathaleen Stevenson, a counselor with Kessler Psychological Services in Hartville, Ohio, people who are happiest, whether single or married, follow these rules:
* Don't keep grudges. They forgive easily, and are active participants in creating positive interactions.
* Have a sense of purpose for their lives- engaging in outside relationships, contributing to the greater good, thus enriching their relationships and personal joy.
* Do not accept any form of abuse in their relationships.
*Follow the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Only four rules, but these four rules contribute to a sense of peace, a feeling of comfort and belonging in your own skin, your own home, and your own community. Peacefulness creates a quiet happiness. I have written before about the first and the last rules.The other two rules can be more difficult, but are no less important.
How do you have a sense of purpose in life when just getting out of bed is a major feat? Perhaps in your relationship with others, as a grandparent, a spouse, a friend...Perhaps you feel that most of your life is behind you, or that you never had a chance for much of a life. How about writing your memoirs? There seems to be a lot of interest in stories about what it is like to live with (fill in the blank) Syndrome.How about tutoring a child, fostering a rescue pet or reading to a blind person? There are so many possibilities... The trick is finding the right one(s).
People who accept abuse from a parent, a spouse a boss, etc., often feel like they have no other options. There are options. Many towns have crisis hotlines, battered women's (and men's) shelters, and/or other support systems. Be brave, and look for them.
Those of us with chronic illness and pain have enough to deal with without creating more problems for ourselves by holding on to grudges or fighting fights we cannot win. Some of us never think about our purpose in life, others often do. I sometimes think that my purpose in life is life itself, a life well lived, to look back in the end and be able to say "I'm satisfied". Abuse is a tough issue. No one deserves it, yet some people dish it out. Eliminate or limit your exposure to abuse.
Four not so simple rules, but I agree with Ms. Stevenson that each of these contributes to happiness. Happiness is not having things, it is having peace.

Happiness Project

What does it take to make you happy? Many people spend their whole lives, all their time and energy, pursuing happiness, and never achieving it. They think, "If only X would happen, then I would be happy." When (if) X happens, they are happy for a short time, then they realize that it wasn't X they were missing, but something else, which becomes their next "If only...".
I agree with Rabbi H. Schachtel that "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."  Acquiring things may give you a momentary spurt of pleasure, but it can't substitute for pure, in-the-soul happiness. So if real happiness comes from wanting what you have, what do you do if life has given you too much that you don't want- pain, illness, fatigue, poverty, conflict, etc.
A very important idea is to remember that your illness (or whatever you have) is only a part of who you are. Give your illness the attention it requires to cope with it effectively, and no more. i.e., take your meds, go to the doctor, etc., but don't dwell on your symptoms. If you need to keep a pain log, or log of other symptoms, do so only for as long as is needed to get the information you are seeking, then stop keeping the log. This kind of log tends to maintain focus on the negative aspects. Remember that it is easier to keep pain under control than it is to get it back under control. It is better to take pain meds consistently than to consistently be wondering if you should take them. Keep an ongoing Gratitude Journal- when you wake up, when you go to bed, or whatever time of day would be most beneficial to you, write down 5 specific things for which you are grateful. Or, keep the Journal nearby, and use it throughout the day. Counter each negative thought with a positive: I can't walk around the block anymore, but I can walk to the nearby store and back. Be active in your life, your family and your community. Treat yourself and others with kindness and acceptance.
Check out www.happiness-project.com for more ideas. I first started reading Gretchen Rubin's monthly column in Good Housekeeping magazine, then explored her website. Now I subscribe to her daily blog, and her daily happiness quotation. She has written several books, two of which are about happiness. The first one, The Happiness Project, was about her year exploring happiness, and as her blog subtitle states, her "Experiments in  the Practice of Every Day Life". The second book, Happier at Home is about making your home a happier place to be. The Happiness Project has become a movement, with groups all over the world dedicated to the exploration and pursuit of happiness. Browse through the Tips and Quizzes tab, and the Your Happiness Project tab for lots of 'how-to's.              

Be Happy and Thin- In Moderation

I read recently about a study that showed that people who were happy lived longer than people who were thin.  (Sorry- I can't find the reference right now.) To some people, that may sound like a good excuse to stop the diet and exercise routines, and just have a good time.  My thought was, "Why can't you have both?"  I am sure there are people out there who just naturally have both.  I used to be one of them.
I think I am already a fairly happy person.  I don't let things get to me much.  I want to focus on the getting thin part of the equation.  I have been talking about dieting for a couple of months now, but all kinds of things got in the way of my resolve: vacation, holidays, family gatherings, etc.  Good excuses all, but I could have stuck to my diet better if I had really tried.
So, about that idea of being happy and thin?  My answer is: Moderation.  Many 'How to lose weight ' lists say that cutting out things like soda, fancy coffee drinks, and the like will save you excess calories.  One of my readers posted a comment recently and stated she had lost 10 pounds by cutting out drinking milk.  That is a great way to drop pounds, and fairly easy, especially if you replace whatever it is that you eliminate with something else more healthy.  My problem is, that I already eat healthy, so I don't have much I can cut from my diet.  I recently started to go without my juice in the morning.  I figured that I eat plenty of fruit, so I don't need the nutrients I would get from the juice.  That is a start.

Eating gluten free helps me somewhat, because I can't have cookies, cakes, etc. that always seem to be appearing at work and social events.  Following a gluten free diet does have its hazards, though.  Gluten free bagels, bread, etc., tends to be more calorie rich than the gluten containing equivalents. The answer?  Moderation: eat less of it. That is where the idea of being happy comes into all this.  Instead of depriving yourself of something you really want, eat a smaller portion than you normally would take.  Don't take seconds.  This way, you get to enjoy whatever it is, but you also take in fewer calories than you would have.  Your rate of losing weight will be slower this way than if you were on a strict diet, but most people are more likely to stick to this kind of diet, and be happier than if they were depriving themselves.
This is a situation in which you need to know yourself.  Some people are not able to control how much they eat of something they like, and may need to avoid it altogether.  When I go to a restaurant here in the US, meals are usually huge.  I often take home at least half of my food to eat for another meal.  If you have tried to do this but consistently fail, try asking for a box before you eat, and set aside part of your meal.  If you still can't keep from eating the whole thing, try ordering smaller meals, don't go out to eat so often, or just accept that this is one area you can't control.  Occasional indulgences may be necessary for the 'being happy' part.  Just remember- moderation.
In general, if you take in fewer calories than your body is used to, and/or increase activity, you will ultimately lose weight, though not necessarily rapidly.  (Science is finding that this is not exactly true, but that is a more complex discussion than I can provide here.) Eat what you usually eat, only less of it, especially the unhealthy stuff.  Replace unhealthy foods with more healthy alternatives.
Many people find that having a partner or class makes exercise and dieting easier and more fun.  Take care of your health needs, but don't let this be your main occupation.  Make sure you include ways to enjoy live in your daily routines.  Practice an attitude of gratitude. 
Remember- being thin will not make you a happier person.  You can be overweight and still be both happy and healthy, and you can be thin and be sad and unhealthy.   Weight and happiness are not really related.  The message I am trying to send is that you can work on losing weight without making yourself miserable. Just remember- moderation. 

Be Happy: Its Adar!

According to the Jewish calendar, the month of Adar starts February 4th and 5th.  The Jewish calendar is very complex, because it is based on lunar (moon) cycles, but with corrections based on solar (sun) cycles. That is why Jewish holidays always happen at the same time of year, but on different dates on the Gregorian calendar.  This year is a leap year, with a whole month added, so there are 2 months of Adar this year (this happens 7 times in a 19 year cycle).
According to tradition, we are supposed to be happy during the month of Adar. This is because of the holiday of Purim, which commemorates the overturning of a plot to kill all the Jews in Persia (the story is read each year from the Book of Esther.
Whether you are Jewish or not, this is a good time to think about what makes you happy.  The pursuit of happiness is a lifelong quest for many people.  They are constantly striving for one more possession, or ten less pounds, or a thousand more dollars.  Often they find, when they get whatever it was they were chasing, that they are no happier than they were before.  It isn't having what you want that makes one happy, it is wanting what you have. The people who are happiest are the ones who are satisfied with what they have, not constantly fighting for something different. 
So how does this apply to those of us with chronic illness or chronic pain?  I doubt that very many of us are really satisfied with our health situation, especially if it infringes on our ability to function.  It is important to remember that we are not our pain, and we are not our illness.  These are just aspects of us.  We are human beings, complex packages of cells with feelings and thoughts, sensations and motivations, wants and needs.  We can choose what we focus on, and what we focus on influences what we do and how we feel.
I choose to focus on creating: writing my blog, doing my art, preparing for my support group presentations, cooking.  I am a homebody, I would usually rather hang out at home with my husband and cat than go out.  My ideal afternoon is snuggling in front of the wood stove with a good book, my fleece blanket, and my cat.  (During the summer, I would exchange the wood stove and fleece blanket for a hammock, but keep the book and the cat.)  This is what makes me happy. 
What makes you happy?  Not next week, or next year, or when the kids are grown or you get that promotion you hope for. What makes you happy right now? 

People Are Happiest When Their Minds Are Fully Engaged

I have written about mindfulness in the past, new research confirms that it is a good thing.  In a study published in the Nov. 12 issue of Science, people reported being happier when they were fully engaged in activity. 2250 people were involved in the study, from 83 countries and ages 18-88.  They were prompted at random times during the day by an iPhone application to answer several questions re: how they were feeling, what they were doing, whether their mind was wandering, and if their thoughts were pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.
It turns out that they spent about 47% of the time with wandering minds.  The activity with the least amount of mind wandering was sex.  People reported being happiest when making love, exercising or talking, and least happy when resting or sleeping, working or on the computer.  People were happier when thinking pleasant thoughts than unpleasant thoughts, but happier still when they were fully engaged in what they were doing at the time.
Study author Matthew Killingswoth, a doctoral candidate in psychology at Harvard University stated that the human mind has the unique ability to wander.  We tend to ponder things that have happened and to anticipate and plan for things that might happen.  Apparently, that ability can make us less happy.  There is a saying I have heard, that life is what happens while we are busy making other plans. We miss out on a great deal of our own lives, because our minds are on other things.
Think about what you have been doing for the past hour. Obviously, one thing you have been doing is reading blogs.  Are you actively paying attention to what you read, or are you just skimming the pages while you plan tomorrow's dinner?  You get more out of what you read, and also remember more of it, if you pay attention. Imagine how much more satisfying your relationships would be if you really paid attention to the other person, and they to you. My kitten is asleep next to me.  I love to pet her, she is so soft. Paying attention to the sensations when I pet her makes the experience so much more intense, and it can change my mood and my day for the better.
During your day, try to really be present for at least one activity that you normally don't pay attention to. Think about the experience of standing in line at the grocery store.  Normally, people stand there, waiting their turn, either mindlessly letting the time go by, or thinking about what they have to do next, and maybe getting annoyed by how long it is taking.  Next time you are standing in line, look around you. Observe your surroundings, other people, Notice any smells, sounds, sights.  Feel the texture of each item as you place it on the counter. Chat with other people in line and/or the cashier, give complements, look for things you never noticed before.
Try to keep your mind either neutral or positive while making your observations. If your mind wanders, don't get mad at yourself, after all, you are only human.  Just gently turn your mind back to whatever you are doing.
You may be surprised by how this changes your experience. Pick out other situations, and practice being in the moment.