Days Like This

“Mama said there'll be days like this, days like this my Mama said...” So says a song by the Shirelles way, way back in 1961. About 30 years later, VanMorrison did his own song with a similar line in it. Actually, it wasn't my Mama who said that to me. It may have been my rheumatologist, but more likely it was someone from a Sjogren's Syndrome or autoimmune email list or forum that I subscribe to. After all, we are the ones who really know about 'days like this', and support each other through them. (To be honest, I wouldn't mind having less personal knowledge of 'days like this', but then I probably would be less useful to the readers of this blog).

I went to bed the night before last with all kinds of plans for yesterday, from collecting trash along the creek (it washes down when there is a lot of rain or snow), to working on a personalized Seder (service) for the Jewish holiday of Passover, to vacuuming the downstairs of our cabin (I did the upstairs yesterday). I woke up in the morning with pain along the side and back of my neck, which made holding my head erect difficult. So I took a muscle relaxer, and a headache pill, and I took it easy. Today didn't start out much better, but I am feeling somewhat better now.

'Days like this' are the days when you feel sick, where 'business as usual' just feels way too difficult. If you have chronic pain and/or illness(es), you likely have 'days like this', maybe occasionally, maybe most days. Luckily for me, mine are only occasionally at this point. When I do feel this way, I have learned that it is okay to give myself a day (or 2 or 3) off to take care of myself. I try to eat healthy, to get some exercise (gentle stretches, short, easy walk, outside if possible). I let myself take a nap, which I normally don't do. Yesterday I took a short walk outside. Today I pushed myself to go to the Natatorium ( the name of our city's gym). After 5 minutes walking in the water, with every step feeling like an uphill climb, I gave in. I gave myself permission to stop, and I used the hot-tub instead, the first time I used it in my 2 years of membership. 

It is easy to feel guilty for taking time off, but everyone gets sick sometimes.The key words here are accepting yourself as you are each day, giving yourself permission to focus on your own needs, and being at peace with yourself. The commercial is right: there is a app for that. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself- as soon as I saw the 'a' in 'accepting' and the 'p' in 'permission', I just had to find another 'p' word so I could spell 'app'.)    

Live Easier in the World

I try to avoid conflict, and to not cause trouble. I believe in the saying "Live and let live". I seldom get angry, I don't carry grudges, and I don't let anyone push my buttons.
Anger is a normal emotion when things don't go our way. Carrying that anger after the situation has passed or holding grudges increases your stress level. This in turn increases pain, and can trigger a vast assortment of symptoms. My body doesn't need that, and neither does yours. What can you do to live easier with the world around you?
1. Accept that others won't always agree with you, and that is okay.
2. Recognize that things won't always go your way. That's life.

3. Don't respond when someone tries to push your buttons.
4. If someone tries to start an argument, say "I don't want to argue with you. What can we do to resolve this civilly?"
5. When you start to get angry, take some deep, slow breaths to clear your head. Ask yourself, a. What outcome would I like to see?  b. What action(s) will be most likely to produce that outcome? Then do that.

6. Look for a compromise
7. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
8. Forgive- not only others, but yourself as well.
9. Live in the moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet.

Communist Thinking in a Capitalist World

“From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.”

People who are chronically ill, in pain or disabled often have feelings of uselessness, that they aren't full human beings or contributing members of society because they aren't able to do what they think is expected of them. For men, it is most often an inability to provide for their family that leads to this thinking. For women, it is more often an inability to nurture their family and care for the household that triggers it. These are very stereotypical role expectations, but even in our 'enlightened' society, this holds true for most people.

In a capitalist society, earning money is the prime objective. Until World War II, this meant men, women were expected to play a supporting role in this objective, by caring for the household and family. During World War II, so many men were at war, women were called upon to provide for their families, support the war effort from home, along with their usual roles. Many women discovered they liked working, they liked the challenge, the satisfaction of a job well done, the independence of earning their own money and the social contacts they made on the job. Men often took on some of the household duties to balance out the tasks, but women were generally still the person running the house. Hence, the roles that people feel most guilty about when not able to perform.

In a pure communist society, people are expected to work according to their ability, and they are given compensation according to their need. This sounds great, but human nature being what it is, some people looked for ways to give less than they were capable of, and/or to take more than they needed. Communism never quite works out the way it should.

So, back to my reason for writing about this topic. What if we could instill in our society's thought pattern the acceptance of the validity of this basic communist idea? I am not trying to restructure our whole society, just to change this one thought. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone recognized that people have different capacities and different needs, and that is okay? A person would be respected for who they are, not how much they produce or how much they contribute. It would be accepted that not everyone can work full time, go grocery shopping, vacuum or lift a child. It would be okay that some people need more sleep, more medical resources, or more help to do basic tasks. It could still be a capitalist world in which there was incentive to strive for excellence, for newer and better ways of doing things, but with a communist recognition that not everyone can do that. Those people are not any less valuable to the society as a whole, or to their families.

How does this play out in the real world? How can we apply this thinking to make this a better world for everyone? What can we change so that people with illness, pain and/or disability won't feel less than others, and/or less than themselves? These are questions worth pondering.

We, as individuals, don't have the power to change the thinking of society as a whole. We do have the power to change our own thinking, and to influence the thinking of those around us. We can stop thinking of ourselves as less than, as damaged goods, as inadequate. We can stop apologizing for not being able to do what we used to do, or what we think we are 'supposed' to be able to do. We can start empowering ourselves to ask for the help we need, and to accept it graciously when offered. We can start taking pride in ourselves as we are, for what we can do, and what we can offer to our families and our communities.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  Be yourself.  Be proud of yourself.

Relationships Don't Have To Be Hard

Yesterday afternoon, my husband and I sat snuggled together, holding hands.  We got on the topic of why our relationship is so good.  The main thing that came up is that neither of us tries to control the other.   We accept each other as we are, and encourage each other to explore our own interests.  We give constructive feedback, but don't criticize. We trust each other, and are not jealous of friends and relationships the other person has.  We enjoy being together, whether it be doing errands, building bookcases or just being in the same room, each doing our own thing. We tease each other sometimes, but only in fun; we never cut the other person down.  We say "I love you" five, ten, or twenty times a day.

I think we enjoy being together because we aren't critical.  I think we aren't critical because we are each comfortable with ourselves, and can therefore be more accepting of the other.  I think alot of people are critical of others because they are not comfortable owning their own faults, so they try to make others look worse in comparison. We are human.  Having faults and making mistakes is part of who we are, and that's okay.   Haranguing the other person for making a mistake makes them feel worse, and damages the relationship.  

 People say that relationships are hard work.  That isn't necessarily so.  People make relationships hard by not accepting the other person for who they are. People do things that hurt the other person, all in the name of 'love'.  That isn't love.  That is jealousy, bitterness or revenge.  Love is gentle and caring, constructive and accepting.  When you say or do something to hurt your partner, ask yourself why?  Or perhaps, what are you avoiding by doing it?  A relationship like the one my husband and I share is easy, because we let it be.  It takes both parties to make a relationship like this.  We recognize that few things are worth fighting about.  We just accept our differences, and move on.  We recognize that in most situations, there is a win-win option, and that is the one we take.  

People with chronic illness and/or chronic pain often have issues with fatigue.  Why waste precious energy in conflict with others?  Accept yourself for who you are.  Accept others for who they are.  No one is perfect, and accepting our imperfections as a part of what makes us who we are is a very freeing experience.  It takes away the need to be critical of yourself and others, or to control another person.  It opens up the way for loving and nurturing relationships.