Helping Others

I was at the grocery store last week. The woman in the checkout line behind me was using one of those electric scooters that many stores provide, with a big basket on the front of it full of groceries. I asked if she needed assistance putting the groceries up on the conveyor belt, and she was very much relieved. Both she and the cashier repeatedly thanked me. It made me very pleased that I was able to help, that I had offered, and that I helped her. At the same time, it made me sad. Why? Because they both felt the need to thank me so profusely.

It should be human nature to offer help whenever we see it may be needed, and we can provide it. It shouldn't be seen as such an extraordinary deed. No one religion has a monopoly on helping other people, including strangers. It is not unique to any one culture. Rather, it is a human thing to do. It is a part of living in a community.

Whenever I see someone struggling to get in or out of a car, to reach something in a grocery store, etc, I ask if they need any assistance. If they say “No”, I say, “Good for you”. If they say “Yes”, I will either jump in or ask what they want me to do, depending on how obvious it is what needs to be done. People are often too embarrassed to ask for help, but relieved when it is offered. I am sure there are some people who are annoyed or insulted that I would ask, I hope that my praiseful response appeases that.

The person needing help could be any one of us, depending on the circumstances. If you don't need help today, maybe you did last week, or will next week, or next decade. The person offering help should be every one of us who can, in whatever ways we can. I know that many of my readers are in pain, and/or have varying levels of fatigue and functional abilities. Even so, there may be areas where you can offer your help: holding a door open, feeding a baby, reading to a child or person undergoing chemo, etc. Remember: if you are the one receiving assistance, you are providing an opportunity for another person to be helpful, thus making them feel good about themselves. 

The Power of "Thank You"

I have written several times about being grateful for what you have, looking for the the positives in life, etc. I actually think it is a sad comment on our society that we need a day on which to give thanks, when we would do much better as individuals and as a nation if we were thankful every day. Generally when we think about 'giving thanks' on Thanksgiving, we mean thanking God for the bounty that we have in our lives. That is also the kind of thanks we imply when we say we are grateful for something. I want to talk about another kind of thanks.

Imagine a world where everyone said “Thank you”, every time someone did something nice for them. Imagine hearing that 'Thank you”, and how good it would make you feel. (Actually, for most of us, doing something nice for someone makes us feel good in itself, the “Thank you” is just a bonus.) On the other hand, if you do nice things for someone and they never acknowledge it, you may wonder why you bother.

So you do something nice, and get that good feeling, and they thank you, which makes you feel even better, prompting you to do more nice things... Imagine this happening again and again to you, to the people you do nice things for, the people they do nice things for, and it snowballs, collecting more and more people both doing nice things for others, and saying “Thank you” when someone does something nice for them.

Saying 'Thank you” is not just for when someone does something out of the ordinary, or for strangers. It is also for the person who makes your dinner, takes out your garbage, etc., to let them know you appreciate what they do for you. It would get tedious to both say and to hear 'Thank you” every time for every little thing, especially for things that the person does on a regular basis. How about making a point to say “Thank you” at least once a day (or once a week, or whatever time-frame seems appropriate for less frequent things).

Let's start an appreciation revolution, making sure that the people who help us and are there for us know how much we appreciate them and what they do. Make saying “Thank you” a habit, and pass it on. Thank you for reading this.  

Helping, Fixing, Serving

One of the blogs that I follow gave me some food for thought today.  The blog, Beyond Meds,  is about one woman's journey getting free from psych meds.  She often finds interesting tidbits which she shares with her readers.  This particular post is a brief excerpt from an article by Rachel Naomi Remen, who is an MD, has lived 45 years with chronic illness, and an author of some very powerful books. 
The gist of the article is a comparison of the words helping, fixing and serving.  Here is one paragraph from Dr. Remen's article:  Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.
As an occupational therapist, my work generally falls into the category of fixing.  I have even, on occasion, told the nurses I work with that that is the big difference between what they do (helping) and what I do (fixing).  Actually, what I do is not directly fixing, but teaching the patients what they can do to fix themselves.  (I teach anger management and stress management, among other things).

Wow.  I had always thought that I was doing the best thing for my patients by teaching them skills they could use to improve their lives.   Based on what Dr. Remen wrote, I have not been doing right by my patients.  In order to teach them better ways, I have to approach them from the premise that they are broken.  If they are broken, and I can fix them, that puts me on a higher plane than them, right?   It is too easy to fall into that kind of thinking, and I must confess that I may approach my patients with that thought in the back of my mind somewhere.
Dr. Remen reminds me that I am human, and my patients are human, and no human is above any other.  Some of us may be smarter or more skilled or more educated or more experienced in different areas, but that does not make any one of us better than another.  When I am working with patients, I will take a minute to remind myself of this truth.  I will approach them in order to serve them, not to fix them.  I will still teach the same skills I have been teaching, but I will change my attitude.   
Another paragraph from Dr. Remen's article:  Serving makes us aware of our wholeness and its power. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals: our service strengthens us as well as others. Fixing and helping are draining, and over time we may burn out, but service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will renew us. In helping we may find a sense of satisfaction; in serving we find a sense of gratitude.
I need to explore this concept more, to chew on it, to turn it over, this way and that, and make it my own.  How can I change how I think and work in order to really apply it in my relationships with everyone, not only patients?  As I said at the beginning of this post- food for thought.

Helping Others Helps Yourself

Today was Mitzvah Day at out Temple.  Mitzvah is usually translated as a good deed, and many people are familiar with it in the context of Bar or Bat Mitzvah, the event where a Jewish young man or young lady turns 13, (or for girls, sometimes 12), and becomes an adult in the Jewish world.  Mitzvah day is an annual event where our Temple joins with several churches in the area to do a variety of social action projects around town. 

The project I was involved in was making blankets for Project Linus. The blankets are taken to the local children's hospital where sick children can choose a blanket to have with them in the hospital and then to take home with them. In my next post, I will give you the 'recipe' (instructions) for the blankets. In the same large room was an assembly line packing boxes of gifts for our troops overseas, and another group making cards and writing letters to send with the boxes.  My husband was at a local park picking up trash.  Other projects included gardening and landscaping at a battered women's shelter, and organizing donations at the local food bank.  There were about 12 different projects.  Everyone could choose which project(s) to get involved in.

I was talking with someone who had been part of the assembly line with her young son who suggested that sending packages to our troops should be done more than once each year.  A few weeks ago we had the Confirmation service for our 10th graders.  They each got a chance to speak for a few minutes on what they had learned, and most of them talked about the importance of doing Mitzvot (plural of Mitzvah), and that they try to do at least one every day. 

Our young people are right.  Good deeds are not a once per year event. They should take place every day.  I have mentioned before that I like to do 'random acts of kindness".  I do simple things like holding doors, pulling out a shopping cart and giving it to the person who walked into the store behind me, etc.  Doing these things don't take much effort on my part, but they make both me and the other person feel good. Here is an article in about.com which  talks about how helping others helps build self esteem and lowers stress.  In an article published by Western Governors University, several studies are cited on the benefits of volunteerism. One of the studies found that volunteerism decreased pain, depression and disability in patients with chronic pain.  Several months later, the researchers found that they continued  to benefit.

What can you do for others?  This may be a difficult question, when taking care of your own needs may be hard enough.  It doesn't have to be a big project.  Can you read to children at a school or library?  Maybe get a box of strawberries for your neighbor while you are at the grocery store. What about making a phone call or writing a letter that the recipient will appreciate?  The possibilities are endless, and the benefits are as well.

SING AND GIVE (YOUR PAIN) AWAY

I hurt.  I think most people with Sjogren's Syndrome, all people with Fibromyalgia, and many people with and without chronic illness could relate to that.  I have one of those bodies that if you touch me anywhere, I hurt.  I get tendonitis very easily, then it takes months to go away.  I have often said that I would like to go to a body shop and get a new body.  My husband said he would like to come with me to help pick it out.

Currently, I have Plantar Fasciitis in my left foot, which I have had for about 10 months now.  I have tendonitis in my right elbow, which started 6 months ago, when we started pack and lugging boxes for our move, which was in January.  I have had pain in my right knee off and on for a month, which for the past 2 days has hurt whenever I move it or put weight on it.  Last night at Temple I started feeling sorry for myself.  I had a dilemma:  During the service, there are several times when we have to stand up or sit down.  I thought of using my hands to ease myself up or down to help my knee, but that would hurt my arm.  I finally figured out a way to use my left hand, and put most of my weight on my left foot.  Awkward, but doable.

The Social Action Committee of our temple talked about some of the projects they are involved in.  It got me thinking:   I may have pain, fatigue and other symptoms, but I also have a safe and comfortable home, enough food and other necessities, a job, and a family that loves me and helps me.  I went to a workshop on stress a few years ago, and the main thing I remember from it was the instructor telling us to say to our selves, "At least I'm not..." and find 3 things with which to fill in the blank. That really helps to put things in perspective. 

Helping other people helps you as well as them.  Donating money or other goods helps, but actually doing something helps more.  It doesn't have to be anything big. I like doing Random Acts of Kindness, such as complement a stranger on something they are wearing, or pull out a shopping cart and give it to the person who came into the store behind me.

I went to a new PCP (primary care physician) on Thursday.  He told me to always wear an insert in my shoe to support my foot, and to wear braces on my elbow and knee.  (My elbow and knee should have really nice smiles after this.) I already had these things from previous attempts to heal body parts. I pulled them out and put them on this morning.   They are blatant reminders that I have several body parts that are out of whack.  So once again, I was feeling sorry for myself.

We like to go to our Temple's Saturday morning Torah study class.  Before the class is a short service, which is always mostly singing.  I love to sing.  I don't have the best voice, but it isn't the worst voice either.  I don't care.  I sing because it feels good.  I have often heard people say, "You don't want me to sing, everyone would run out of here screaming",  (or variations on that theme).  Nonsense.  Unless you are in a performing choir, singing isn't about how it sounds It is about how it feels.  As my husband said, "When you get a room full of people singing off key, it sounds pretty good."  Children often sing, and no matter how it sounds, it makes us smile.  Worship in most religions throughout history has included singing.  I heard somewhere (though I can't remember where) that singing releases endorphins, the same 'feel good' chemical that our bodies release with exercise. When I am down, I like to put on a cd that is so familiar that I can sing every line.  It always turns me around.  This service did, too. 

The message of this post is to go out and sing while you commit Random Acts of Kindness.  Or you can do them separately, and spread out your 'feel good' activities.