Do Ask, Do Tell

There has been alot of hullabaloo lately about the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy in the military.  Personally, I think everyone should be accepted for who they are.  That isn't what I wanted to write about today, but the title just kind of came to me, so I went with it.
What I do want to focus on is speaking up for what you need.  People don't ask questions because they feel embarrassed, think they will look stupid, etc.  Generally, if one person in a group has a question, others probably do too, but are also afraid to ask.  If you speak up, and ask your question, not only will you not look stupid, you will look attentive, intelligent, brave, etc.
Two areas where people have trouble speaking up are with their doctor, and with their loved ones.  People go to the doctor, and don't mention some of their problems because they are embarrassed.  Why do you go to the doctor?  Because he knows how human bodies function.  It is his job to figure out what is wrong and how to make it better.  He can't do his job if you don't speak up. When you go to the doctor, ask your questions, and be open and honest about how you are doing.  If you give the doctor the answer you think he wants to hear, rather than the truth, that helps no one, and may lead the doctor to give you the wrong treatment. Sometimes people do speak up about an issue, then don't let the doctor know that they don't understand his reply.  If you let the doctor know you don't understand, you not only help yourself, but you also help the doctor know he needs to be clearer with his patients, and his other patients will benefit as well.
With loved ones, sometimes we may feel like we complain too much, so we say we are fine when we aren't. How can others get an accurate understanding about your issues if you don't tell them?  Of course, remember that there is a difference between telling and complaining or whining.  Part of speaking up is asking for needed help.  Being 'strong', and doing more than you should do can increase your pain or other symptoms, then you are more likely to suffer and want to whine.  Instead, ask for help.  People usually want to be of help, but they don't know what you need if you don't tell them.  For more thoughts on asking for help, read my post titled  'Its Okay To Ask For Help'. For ideas on 'How To Explain Your Illness To Others', read my blogs with that title, part 1 and part 2.

Its Okay to Ask For Help

Yesterday, my massotherapist yelled at me.  (Her tone of voice was yelling, she wasn't really loud.)   A little later, she lectured my 20 year old son, saying that I shouldn't be out there working like that, that he should take care of it for me.  It was all my fault.  We got 4 cubic yards of soil delivered yesterday, and I was out there shovelling.  Actually, I was getting down on my knees, filling a bucket with soil from the pile where it was dumped, standing up, and dumping it into the planter box, then repeating this process over and over.  My son was on the other side of the building, shovelling soil from another pile into the other planter box. 

So what's the problem?  My right knee has been puffy and painful lately, and the tendons in both arms are prone to tendinitis.  So why did I do what I did?  Because I like to.  Because I wanted my gardens to be ready to plant sooner.  Because I felt guilty having my son do all the work for a garden that was mine, not his.  (He doesn't like outside physical labor, he would rather be on his computer all day and  night.) 

This is a common problem for people with chronic pain and illness.   We don't like to admit that we can't do as much as we used to do.  I do okay when it means doing less of something than I used to do, not so well in cases like this, where I shouldn't be doing the activity at all.  We don't like bothering other people for things we feel we 'should' be able to do ourselves.  We don't like sitting around feeling useless.  

Yesterday, I didn't like the feeling of using my son for slave labor.  I felt it was okay to ask him to do the heavy work, as long as I was doing 'my fair share'.  This morning, my massotherapist's words fresh in my mind, my son and I worked on the gardens again, him doing shovelling, me doing my 'stamp down the soil dance'.  My body can handle this okay.  When I was done, and I wanted him to do some more shovelling, I again had those guilt feelings.  So I hung outside, chatting with him as he worked, and I brought him water.  Then I told myself it was okay for me to go inside.  I had been out in the sun about as long as I can before all the energy drains out of me for the rest of the day. 

My son was fine with me going inside.  He finished up what I had asked him to do, then he came in.  As an occupational therapist, I tell my patients it is okay to ask for help, and sometimes it is even necessary.  Telling others what to do and doing it myself are two different things.  The truth is, we humans are social animals.   We weren't designed to be self sufficient by ourselves.  In most societies throughout history, men and women did different work.  (In some societies, when people couldn't contribute they were dragged out into the desert and left there, but let's not think about that.)   Let's think instead about the societies where the elderly were venerated and revered, and cared for tenderly.  It is only in our 'modern' society where we are expected and we expect to'do it all'.   Contrary to what we tend to think, most people don't mind being asked for help, and often it gives them a sense of pride at being needed, trusted, etc.

Some things to keep in mind: Be polite and friendly, not demanding.  Give options when possible, such as when they will help.  Be flexible: just because they don't do it your way doesn't make it the wrong way.  Offer something in trade, such as something you can do for them, or something you can give them.  You will feel more in control.  Don't expect them to drop everything and come running- They have a life, too.  Say 'please' and 'thank you'.  Keep a list of things that need to be done.  That way, they can do everything at once, instead of coming back again and again. 

Dr. Deb (Dr. Deborsh Serani, a psychologist) did a post on asking for help a couple of years ago.  This is how she concluded her post:

Remember:


Have realistic expectations for the kind of help you are seeking
Express your needs simply and clearly
Let others know you are there to help them as well
Praise your pals for their assistance and pat yourself for asking for help