Self-Compassion

Do you consider yourself to be a compassionate person? We usually think of compassion in terms of caring for others, but having compassion for yourself may improve your health and your life. Kristin Neff, PhD, author of the book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind was interviewed for an article in the February 2013 issue of Bottom Line Health. Studies have shown that self-compassion can lower vulnerability to depression, anxiety, eating disorders and stress, improve motivation to exercise and to see a doctor regularly, and improve your ability to cope with chronic pain.
The article contrasts self-compassion with self-esteem, stating that high self-esteem can be hard to gain in our competitive, self-critical culture, and that people who do have high self esteem may feel superior or entitled, leading to prejudice and bullying. I agree with the first part of that statement, but not the second. I believe that healthy self-esteem has no need to be superior or entitled, but instead is more accepting of the faults of both the self and others.High self-esteem that contributes to prejudice and bullying is a false self-esteem, built not on positive views of the self, but the need to put others down in order to put the self higher. The article goes on to state that self-esteem can be very fragile, lasting only as long as one feels successful, smart or attractive. I agree that self-esteem can be fragile, but not necessarily. I believe that healthy self-esteem can give one resilience, the ability to laugh at ones faults and foibles, and acceptance of all aspects of the self, both 'positive' and 'negative' (in quotes, because these are very subjective). Click here to see my post on self-esteem, which, ironically, was published one year ago today.
Though I have some disagreements with how Dr. Neff views self-esteem, I like what she has to say about self-compassion. The article states "...self-compassion is stable and constructive. When you see yourself clearly- both positive and negative traits- you can more easily cope with setbacks and mistakes that are inevitable in life and make the changes needed to reach your full potential. Self compassion means treating yourself in the same way you would treat a treasured friend."
Some suggestions to improve your self compassion, paraphrased from Dr. Neff: are:
1. Say soothing words to yourself when you are upset.
2. Listen to your self-talk, and quiet your inner critic. Give yourself pep-talks and constructive feedback, rather than criticism.
3. Give yourself soothing, inconspicuous self-caresses, like a hand over your heart or a quick hug.
4. Write yourself a short letter of encouragement and understanding. In one study, people who did this daily for one week reported feeling happier and less depressed three months later.
The article also talked about accepting painful feelings without denying or fighting them. Those of us with physical pain can do this as well: Find a quiet place to lie down. Do a body scan, starting at the soles of your feet and slowly moving upward. Consciously send comforting thoughts to any area where you find pain or discomfort. You can place your hand over the area, or tense and relax the muscles in the area to release tension.
I believe that both self-esteem and self-compassion are important, and they go hand in hand. If you feel good about yourself, you will be more accepting and caring of yourself, and if you are kind to yourself, it will enhance your acceptance of yourself and good feelings toward yourself.
For more of Dr. Neff's thoughts on self-compassion, go to her website, www.self-compassion.org. There you will find, among other things, videos, suggested reading, links, research articles, as well as a test to see how self-compassionate you are, and exercises and meditations to increase your self-compassion. Or buy her book,  Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Or both.     

   

Self Esteem

Self esteem may play a big part in motivation. If you feel good about yourself as a person, you are more likely to make choices that support your well-being. You are more likely to be willing to put in effort to take care of yourself. If you don't feel good about yourself, you are more likely to have thoughts such as 'It doesn't matter, anyway, why bother,' and 'I'm not worth fussing over.' Thoughts like these decrease self esteem even more, and make it less likely you will make the effort to take care of your needs.

Chronic pain/illness effects self esteem

Loss of job leads to loss of identity and inability to support self

Uncertain future

Decreased ability to participate in family/friends/community activities

Loss of ability to do previous activities

Feeling worthless, depressed.

Others not believing us leads to self questioning and self doubt, defensiveness, loss of support

Feeling guilty for needing help, or not being able to do previous tasks/responsibilities

Other factors that influence self esteem

Negative messages from parents and others

Failure or difficulty at any life-stage

Negative messages that others give us become our own messages to ourselves

Being overly critical of ourselves, expecting more of ourselves than we can deliver, proving we were right to be critical. This sets up a downward spiral.

Enhancing self esteem

'Catch yourself in the act' of being negative, and change to a more positive message.

Have compassion for yourself. You are a worthwhile person, capable of loving and worthy of being loved.

Make a list of all your strengths and of everything that you have accomplished in your life so far. Use this for positive self-talk.

Don't compare yourself to other people, or to yourself when you were well.

Make the best use of your knowledge, skills, and current abilities.

Don't limit yourself. Look for new ways to take more control in your life, starting with your self-care. Are you doing everything possible to take care of yourself physically? Managing your diet? Getting enough rest? Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't do.

Surround yourself with people who care about you and support you. If there are loved ones who don't understand your illness, explain it to them, get brochures for them, or take them with you to a doctor visit.

Accept that some people may never understand. Refuse to buy into the negative judgments of others. Tell people who constantly criticize you that this is unacceptable, and/or limit your time with them.

Practice not responding when others push your buttons.

Talk to a mental health professional to help you to sort out how you are feeling about yourself, and help you to work on building up a more positive outlook on yourself and the world around you.

Your illness is what you have, not who you are. Your illness is not your fault, so it doesn't make sense to feel guilty about it and how it affects you.

Take classes, volunteer, find online opportunities, read, find meaningful hobbies and outlets, go out into nature, make peace with your illness, grieve, cherish the little moments, love, pray, write, draw, create, do what you can do, journal, talk, find others who understand, practice an attitude of gratitude.

We don't have control over having chronic pain or illness, but there are many things we can control, including how we view the pain/illness, and how we interact with it and with other people. Having a sense of control in our lives improves self esteem. Accepting life as it is and working from there also has a big impact on self esteem. You are a person, not an illness. Don't let your illness take away your personhood.

My topic for yesterday's Chronic Illness/Chronic Pain Support Group was Motivation, part 2.  The previous session, I did Motivation, and the people in attendance were really struggling with even motivating themselves to taking care of basic needs, so I decided to do a continuation of the topic.  Yesterday we focused on three things: pros and cons, self esteem, and 'parent'/'child'. 

In any decision we consciously make we weigh the pros and cons, even if we don't realize we are doing it. Pros are reasons in favor of whatever it is, cons are reasons against it.  

Self esteem may play a big part in motivation. If you feel good about yourself as a person, you are more likely to make choices that support your well-being, and to be willing to put in effort to take care of yourself. If you don't feel good about yourself, you are more likely to have thoughts such as 'It doesn't matter, anyway, why bother,' and 'I'm not worth fussing over', and to not take care of your needs.

We all have within us different aspects of ourselves. One aspect is a childlike part of us that doesn't want to do anything that is hard or painful or not fun. Another aspect is our 'parent', which takes responsibility for getting our needs met, and for taking care of business. Another way to look at it is the child wants what it wants now (immediate gratification), while the parent looks at the big picture, and is willing to delay gratification if that will give a better deal in the long run.

We did an exercise yesterday that illustrated how these can be applied to increase motivation.  The topic was 'asking for help', an area with which many people have difficulty.  We listed pros and cons of asking for help.  Pros included getting it done, its easier, having company, more fun, etc.  Cons included feeling indebted, embarrassment, having to accept you need help, etc.  The lists came out fairly even, as far as number of items on each list.  We talked a little about how some things on the lists may be more important than others, and if we wanted to, we could assign each one a weight, perhaps 1-5, where 1 is not very important, and 5 is very important.  You would add up the numbers on each side, and see if the pros or the cons added up to the most.

We then decided the 'parent' would probably say, "If you need the help, ask for it".  The child wouldn't actually ask for help, he would just complain that the task is too hard, it isn't fair, etc.  Though asking for help may seem like it would lower your self esteem because of feeling needy or dependent, it actually raises your self esteem, because you are being assertive, taking care of yourself, and getting your needs met.  I asked the people in the group what they would do next time they needed help.  It was unanimous: they would ask for help.  

This exercise can be used for any decision, to motivate you to do whatever you need to do. There is sometimes conflict between what we want to do and what we 'should' do. These 'should's may come from others expectations of us, or what they think is best for us. Or they may come from ourselves, what we know or think would be best for us. Why don't we 'just do it'?  Too much effort, too much pain, not enough incentive... or just plain old fashioned 'I don't wanna'.    

Sometimes we need to call on the 'parent' aspect of ourselves to override the protests of the 'child'. Ask yourself what a good friend who cares about your well-being would advise you to do. That is likely what your 'parent' aspect would advise you as well. Look at the big picture, not just how this decision will affect you immediately, but how it will affect you in the long run. If your 'child' is protesting, you have the choice of going along with the 'child', or with the 'parent'. Which do you choose?