Resilience

My most recent support group topic was 'resilience'.  This is the ability to cope successfully with change or adversity.  Resilient people respond to life's challenges with courage, even when afraid. We have little control over many events in our life—accidents, natural disasters, crime, illness, the economy, etc.—we can control how we respond to these events. Resilience protects against (and reverses) depression, anxiety, fear, helplessness, and other negative emotions, and thus has the potential to reduce how they affect us physically.  Challenges of living with chronic illness and pain can include loss of a job, functional limitations, symptom and medication management, disability, financial stress, loneliness, loss of identity and purpose, among other things. Life itself can bring other challenges, such as relationship changes, loss of loved ones, etc. All of these things are easier to cope with if one has resilience.

Ways to develop/maintain resilience

1. Establish meaningful relationships- A study published in February 2011 by the International Centre of Lifecourse Studies found that resilience was not linked to socioeconomic or demographic characteristics. They found that having a good support system is the number one characteristic of a resilient person. This includes close ties to family and friends, as well as integration into the community.
2. Accept adversity and move on- Focus on what you still have and what you are grateful for. 
3. Have a compassionate attitude towards yourself- Avoid excessive self criticism. Your illness and disability are not your fault.
4. Have realistic expectations of yourself- Focus on what you can do, and explore new options.
5. Help others- Volunteering and assisting others can add meaning to your life.
6. (Re)discover your strengths- Remind yourself of activities you used to enjoy and take pride in, and try them again.
7. Enjoy challenging mental activities- Pursue a variety of interests to keep you stimulated and engaged in your life. Take an interest in your world.
8. Plan pleasurable events and establish meaningful goals- This will give you something to look forward to.  Having a sense of control over your life will make you more resilient. 
9. Adopt a healthy lifestyle- Good health is associated with both physical and mental resilience. Eat a healthy diet, be physically active, and get adequate sleep. Avoid smoking and excess alcohol.
10. Exercise- Regular exercise improves health and provides a sense of mastery and well-being.
11. Reduce stress- Too much stress causes physical and emotional strain and erodes your resilience. Engage in relaxing activities such as hobbies, meditation and tai chi, confide in friends or family, and take time to unwind.
12. Accept help- Let friends and family assist you physically and emotionally. Seek professional help for depression or anxiety.   

Resilience can be developed at any point in life.  A major aspect of resilience is the ability to accept reality as it is, and to move forward from there.  Taking care of yourself and being an active participant in your life are also vital.  Pick one area above that you feel needs a boost, and think of some realistic steps you can take to improve that area of your life.  Now, get a move on. 

Love 'em While You Got 'em

My aunt died this past week, and the funeral is today.  She, my uncle and another aunt, along with my sister and her family and my brother all live(d) in the eastern suburbs of Cleveland, OH, about 45 minutes north of me. 
My mom used to live there, too, before she died 3 years ago.  For the last 3 years of my mother's life, I drove up there weekly.  Initially, we would go out to lunch and go shopping, or do errands, whatever my mom needed or wanted that week.  She was using a cane when this started, then went to a walker, then a wheelchair, but we still continued to go out.  When it got so that she could no longer get in and out of my minivan with my help, I would just hang out with her for the afternoon, going to whatever the program was that day at her nursing home, or sit outside and talk, or go to the little ice cream parlor they had there.  We had ice cream together less than a week before she died.  I cherish these times we had together.
My mom had two brothers.  The aunt who just died was married to the only one of those three siblings who is left.  My other aunt I mentioned above was married to my mom's other brother.  My sister and brother are more involved in our extended family than I am.  They call the aunts/uncles more than I do.  They get together with the cousins sometimes, both the ones who live in town, and the ones who come to town to visit.  I generally just get together with them if one of my siblings calls me and says they are getting together with so and so, do I want to join them?  
I have lots of excuses, not very many reasons.  Distance is one excuse.  Though it is definitely farther for me, I could do it if I really wanted to.  Time is another excuse.  I have too many things I am involved in.  Everyone is busy.  What makes me a special case?  Fatigue is yet another excuse.  I used to go up there to see my mom every week, even during a period of time when my fatigue level was much worse than it has been lately.  Phone calls are quicker than driving up for a visit.  For some reason, I have aways disliked making phone calls, though once we are talking, I generally enjoy it.. 
There are not very many of our parents' generation left, and all are in their 80's.  Our generation ranges from the mid 40's to early 60's, including the cousins.  When our mom died, my sister and I talked about the fear that the family would lose its cohesiveness.  We have tried not to let that happen, but I must confess that my siblings all make more effort than I do (there is a fourth sibling, a brother in Texas [Hi Eric, Ruth and Clara]).  
The title of this post, 'Love 'em While You Got 'em', is a reminder to me and to my readers that we can't turn back time.  Life is not forever. We all make our own choices of how we spend our time, energy and other resources.  We set our own priorities.  I could choose to make contact with my family a higher priority.  I can say that I will do that, and I really would like it to be true, in theory.  In actuality, I know myself well enough to know that I likely will not change much.  

Its a Learning Experience, Not a Failure

Back in January I started a gluten free diet. I don't have celiac, but this diet has made a big difference in my digestive system. (Read my previous post for details.) There is a small farmer's market on Friday afternoons near where I live. The first time I went there this year, I was thrilled to find a woman there who bakes gluten free baked goods. It was a real treat to get fresh baked goods that I could eat!

My husband and I eat oatmeal for breakfast during the work week, but on weekends, he eats bagels or English muffins. Every week I have been buying things like orange chocolate chip bread and cranberry orange scones from the farmer's market for breakfast. Over the past month or so, I have been trying to cut calories to lose some weight. This baker bakes very healthy for the most part, but I would like to decrease sugars from my diet, and use Xylitol when I do use sugar. 

I decided to try baking my own gluten free goodies.  I found a recipe online that is a gluten free, vegan quick bread base. What I especially like about it is that, instead of needing separate recipes for each kind of bread I want to make, I can make any combination of flavors that I dream/scheme up, using this one recipe.

So I tried it Saturday, with less than spectacular (some might even say disastrous) results. But I am not discouraged. Here is a synopsis: I gathered all the dry ingredients in a bag, and brought along the liquid ingredients and my bread pan, so I could bake my bread at our cabin. I forgot to bring the recipe with me, but I had studied it before we left home, so I remembered it. I put all the ingredients together, poured them into the bread pan, and put them into my toaster oven at the prescribed 330 degrees to bake (that is the only oven we have at our cabin, other than the microwave). I then sat down to impatiently read while it baked for '50-120 minutes, depending on ingredients'.

It was smelling good, and at 50 minutes, I checked my bread. With a wooden matchstick in hand to act as my toothpick, I opened the toaster oven. The top of my bread was black (disaster #1). The matchstick came out clean, so I let the bread cool a bit before taking it out of the pan. The top sunk (disaster #2), and when I turned the bread out of the pan, there was a gooey grayish 'pudding' in the center (disaster #3). I must point out that the grayish coloring was from poppy seeds, not from any alien excrement or subversive processes. I let the bread cool more, then when I tried to put it into a bag, it fell apart into 6-8 chunks (disaster #4).

When I first saw the blackened top, my husband asked me if I had lowered the baking temperature 25 degrees as you are supposed to do when using a toaster oven instead of a regular oven. Oops- I forgot all about that. It is likely that if I had baked the bread at a lower temp for longer, it would have been a success. In that case, I would not have had this topic to write about today. Besides that, the 'pudding' part of the bread is delicious!  Since it is vegan there is no uncooked egg to worry about.

So rather than being discouraged, I am pleased with my cranberry poppy seed pudding bread.  I plan to freeze it in serving size chunks for the next few weekends, meanwhile, I am thinking up new flavors. It may take some experimenting to get this bread right, but it is a learning experience, and one that I gladly take on. 

We have choices of how we view any situation.  I could have looked at the blackened top and gooey insides of my bread, and thrown it out, and vowed never to bake again.  Instead, I looked at what went wrong and how I could fix it next time- turn down the temperature and give it more time to bake.  I can laugh at how wierd my breakfast looks for 2-3 more weekends, then I will try baking another bread.  That one should come out better, but if it isn't perfect, that's okay.  I am learning from my mistakes.